In my head, Japanese language flows endlessly. Sentences keep appearing, one after the other, conveying my thoughts and feelings, maybe not properly, but in an acceptable manner. In my head, I am able to speak to the best student in the class about things that do not sound like reruns of lessons. This person then doesn’t have to wonder why I run away, and I am not hoping to somehow explain it is all because I’m ashamed of my vanishing abilities (yes, I used to be able to speak). I can state my point of view in class and there is no need for the teacher to translate my blabber into proper Japanese.
However, whenever it’s time for words to flow out of my brain, they get stuck in my throat, forming a huge ball that chokes me and stings my tongue into numbness. Will the knot ever be untied? I hate this constant feeling of helplessness towards something as important as communication. Where will the courage come from, if it ever does?