>Sara McLachlan is singing, and I’m in the mood to write. This is one of the times when the music imposes the mood, when I feel this kind of saudade that doesn’t let me sleep, when a conversation over MSN is not a good idea, but a kiss (an impossible kiss at this time and space) is.
I like to write here. It’s so far from the noise of C:\GEEK>, where I’m expecting to be heard. I don’t have much of an audience there; people usually write comments like “oh yeah I remember”, and the most usual ones are things that have nothing to do with what I have written. Maybe I’m a sucky writer. Maybe I should stick to writing for nobody, keeping all the words to myself. I don’t even know what I’m expecting… maybe a true reader? But, what is a true reader? One that feels identified with my poor thoughts and responds sincerely… That thing doesn’t exist. They read because I ask them to, they talk because I ask them to. They don’t listen. (Coldplay is playing, Trouble makes me feel sad…)
So yeah, that’s Geek. Lonesome stories for lonesome results. Sometimes I regret the small audience I’ve gained there. Not that I hold anything against them personally, it’s just that I’ve stopped writing my own stuff. Well, Ganbatte! was made for my own stuff. Still, even if my words are destined to a certain group of people, they don’t open mouths, they don’t move fingers. My life has nothing to offer except for a smile and an ear. I’m so much of an ear that nobody thinks I actually have something to say. I could try to speak a thousand times, a thousand times I would be interrupted. There are exceptions (you know who you are), and those exceptions prevent my life from falling into emptiness.
I’m not an absolute loner. I have a family and a fairytale warrior to save me. I’m just convinced that my place is just not here.