Maia Nebula!

Sometimes I feel like I’m a big disappointment. To whom? Not to people who have never believed in me, I guess, because my failure would simply be a product of some wrong path taken according to their expectations.

I certainly haven’t failed as a human being—I have a job I don’t hate (although it is somewhat excruciating), friends I meet often, there’s even someone who thinks about me on a regular basis and with whom physical proximity is more than desirable. So I’m doing ok. The problem is… exactly that: I’m just doing ok. Days go by and I can account for nothing but the work I’ve completed. I guess I should do more than that but I don’t know what more stands for.

Life was much more interesting before. Simpler. More passion-driven. Maybe I’m just mourning my lack of attention, nothing that a simple change of habits won’t fix, but there certainly was something in my 14-year old heart that is no longer there. I feel like it’s cloudy inside here. I need some clarity. I need the ability to focus on the things I really like. I need to feel less morose and remember what pulls me close to my sketchbook. Oh, excuses, excuses, I do remember what drives me toward my ink and paper—not overthinking.

At least I’m reading a book and I’m hating it, but that’s ok. Diving into another world for a while (even if it’s boring) feels like something’s getting done. Now it’s just a matter of not second-guessing myself anymore. But haven’t I been saying this forever?

Who cares, as long as I keep trying.

Where does time go?

What do I do with time? Why isn’t time urging me not to be defeated by drowsiness and weave it into something productive? Is somnolence the enemy of time? Is it novelty?

Novelty is a fickle flower, withering at once into oblivion. It’s not even that beautiful shade of purple that you can’t catch with a camera. Do you remember the last interesting thing you clicked on and gave all your attention to for a few minutes? Neither do I.

Isn’t that alarming?

もしポストを日本語で書くならどうなるの？

日本語を勉強することを新年の抱負にしたから、ブログで練習しよう！

しかも大きい先頭文字はかわいいし。

There is a song by Sia called “Insidiously.” Interesting word, “insidious.” I had never come across it until I heard the song for the first time. Here are the best meanings I found:

• working in a subtle or apparently innocuous way, but nevertheless deadly
• harmful but enticing

Reading the word, you can feel it trickling down like sweet venom into a soon-to-be-numb tongue, or like drops of water drilling a prisoner’s head.

Insidious people are the most dangerous of them all: as you lie bleeding from the wounds they have inflicted on you, you’re still thinking there must be a path to redemption for them. They talk to you as though pointing the way to what’s best for you, and with these very words they slowly destroy you from within. Resist the urge to forgive! It’s a trap!