I don’t consider myself to be a particularly articulate person, especially now that I’ve been an interpreter for so long. I’m always speaking on behalf of others, and rarely for myself, so words tend to fail me in conversation. I get nervous and even my pronunciation goes out the window.
Of course, this wasn’t always the case. I used to be a skilled writer and a somewhat pleasant speaker. Oh, here we go again with the griping about not writing and not thinking sharply and not speaking fluently! If only all that bellyaching would translate into actual action! But no—here we are again, months on after the last time you said you’d do something about it. Is today finally the day you’ll follow through on your word?
Anyway, maybe I’m digressing here, but I keep having this feeling that my English is outdated. I was watching Daria on TV the other day and everything sounded so familiar, so cozy, so much like things I’d feel comfortable uttering. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not as if I stopped watching TV between 2002 and now, especially now that everything’s TV, but at some point I became disconnected from the public discourse. And then I started losing entire chunks of my vocabulary. I’m sure I’ve said this before, but I guess that the absolute passivity of today’s media consumption renders an active speaking brain limp.
I have stated here my intention to socialize more in order to bring my language skills back up to scratch. However, the world around me makes it hard (hear me whine again). Last night I had dinner with a group of people from Cavorite’s workplace, and I found myself desperately trying to entertain the guy sitting next to me, like fanning a flame that just wouldn’t catch. I started feeling nervous and second-guessing my every word, and then my pronunciation started coming out all wrong. I could see the guy’s face melting into utter boredom. Then life showed some mercy and the gathering was over.
At first I thought I was angry with myself for not being eloquent enough, but then I realized was I actually angry at was the fact that I had to be this guy’s buffoon in order to save our side of the table from falling into complete uncomfortable silence. How was that my responsibility?
Fortunately, life will keep throwing opportunities to get out there and try my hand at chatting and putting sentences together for other people. We’ll see how it goes next time.