Category: Rant

I have to keep moving
So I don’t have to see
That at the end of the day
There is no one beside me.

Someone told me recently that it’d be scary to love me because I gave so much of myself when I loved, because I loved so much, that it’d be hard to keep up with that and give back accordingly. I no longer know what love is or if it actually exists somewhere outside of my head full of honey-dipped delusions, so okay, whatever.

We were three women in a similar situation. We did not need to bring up the subject, as we were strangers or mere coworkers, but eventually it just surfaced like a stray leaf on the water. They knew what was burdening my heart long before I dared to mention it. We talked about travelling as a therapy and drawing the pain away. I could see how the desert and the sea had done for them the same thing they had done for me. We were close together then, and we knew we would survive.

“Don’t ever think that you are not beautiful,” they told me.

Dear Olavia of the past:

Allow me to tell you that your heart isn’t cloudy anymore. You’ve done a good job of course-correcting your life. Thank you for noticing the need for change.

***

I don’t ever want to reach a point in my life where I look back and see nothing but wasted time. I mean, how do you even get there? What is it that you have to prove the world that you let go of the things you really want in the name of… what? A challenge to fulfill? A sense of duty to everyone except yourself? Can’t you just listen to your heart and go for the one thing that makes you happy?