Category: Rant

Getting a new job at an office makes me feel like I’ve failed at chasing my dreams of Academia glory. However, they say there is no such thing, so I might as well stick to reality. Still, I adapted so poorly to my last two jobs (i.e., got bored to the point of questioning my own existence) that I’m anxious as to what the next chunks of life in front of a desk that is not my own will bring in terms of mental health and satisfaction. I don’t remember ever feeling this lost, but then again, memory does not hold a lot of storage space for feelings. I’m trying to build a world here, but the atmosphere is so murky. I just hope I’m not treading in a tar pit, unknowingly sinking, heading nowhere but into the sticky blackness.

Feeling the urge to write something today, I’m filling this space with meaningless words. Watch them now: mean-ing-less words. m  e  a  n  i  n  g  l  e  s  s  w  o  r  d  s  .

m           e          a         n        i       n      g     l    e   s  s w  o   r    d     s      .

meaninglessssssssswords

meaningless swords

words are meaningless swords

Hello, 2012. Be a darling and take me somewhere nice, will you?

I can’t tell you why life is worth living, or even whether or not it is. Perhaps life itself is beyond that kind of questions. Painful and all, it’s still happening as I type.

Sometimes I feel nothing but inertia moves the blood in my veins, and smiling sems to take such an enormous effort, even though they say frowning needs more muscles. But still, it seems to balance itself out somehow. Today my grandmother found me crying and gave me lemon balm tea. Then she and my mother lay beside me and told me stories about their youth. Everything felt so much better then! Strange how a simple solution brought enormous change. Life, eh? All and all, it keeps going.

I guess that’s all I have to say.

We’re all looking for peace of mind, and I’m looking for the pieces of me I left behind.