Category: Rant

I can’t tell you why life is worth living, or even whether or not it is. Perhaps life itself is beyond that kind of questions. Painful and all, it’s still happening as I type.

Sometimes I feel nothing but inertia moves the blood in my veins, and smiling sems to take such an enormous effort, even though they say frowning needs more muscles. But still, it seems to balance itself out somehow. Today my grandmother found me crying and gave me lemon balm tea. Then she and my mother lay beside me and told me stories about their youth. Everything felt so much better then! Strange how a simple solution brought enormous change. Life, eh? All and all, it keeps going.

I guess that’s all I have to say.

We’re all looking for peace of mind, and I’m looking for the pieces of me I left behind.

After a few days of thorough thinking (and some sulking), I’ve realized that I must learn to accept solitude as an indelible part of my life. I used to believe it was a teenage-related anomaly, and then a Tsukuba-related anomaly, but no. Circumstances have changed in every possible way, and it’s still here with me, following me like a stubborn stray dog. The truth is, I am a loner. I am Tsukuba, and all it encompasses.

Now that I know it, or now that I’m ready to come to terms with it, I ought to understand that my free time is not a waiting room. There is no use in hoping for a door to open and for someone to finally call my name. It should be a good thing, though, as awful as it sounds. It was so clear to me when I was a teenager, and there was so much I got done back then.

So let’s get stuff done. Nobody’s going to interrupt.

I read things that make me feel stupid. I read things that crack the earth open and set me adrift. Once I was left alone with words for an ailment, but they are already withering. Memory is just an ugly vase full of old water. It holds the appearance of life, but not forever.