Author: Olavia Kite

Long silence.

I’m reading a book that’s making me nervous because it had so many bad reviews but I still felt the inexplicable urge to buy it. Now I’m loving it but at the same time I’m fearing the arrival of the moment I’ve been warned about by countless strangers—the moment when the book becomes as annoying and fake and unreadable as they say. But no, not yet, not at all.

So yeah, I’m back in long form. Or at least I hope I am. I’ve spent months and months and months believing I have nothing to say, convinced that nothing ever happens in my life. I’m back here because I got tired of watching people’s carefully curated lives, endless strands of thirty-something-year-old smug glamour I just cannot identify with. I’d been so enthralled by this world of instant gratification that I neglected one of my all-time favorite pastimes: reading books. It’s important to say “books” after “reading” because nowadays it’s easy to spend your whole day reading clickbait and tweets and Facebook posts. But it’s sort of like stuffing yourself with junk food and then feeling like crap and wondering why because you thought you were satisfying your hunger but of course there was nothing nutritious in all those mouthfuls of sugar-salt-and-oil and if you go on like that you are going to end up really sick. So I feel like I’ve stuffed my brain with junk information for far too long and I can’t take it anymore.

In light of this problem, it becomes obvious that books are sure more fulfilling than pictures of dinner parties and clever little puns.

(By the way, progress in reading books is beautiful, isn’t it? Watching the bookmark bite further into the pages. I like to stop reading for a while and just observe the thickness of the pages I’ve already left behind. )

The other reason that was keeping me away from here was the fear of sounding too boastful and becoming like all those people out there whose edited lives are made to be the stuff of envy. Which is stupid, now that think about it, as I’ve just said that I felt nothing ever happened to me. So what the hell would I be boasting about. Anyway, I was scared of becoming another pile of clickable Internet crap on top of the mountains upon mountains of crap that are already out there. But then again, am I promoting this content? Am I looking after clicks and views and likes and soaring statistics? Of course not. After all, I’m pretty much the only person who reads this.

Perhaps acknowledging my disinterest in improving my social life has influenced my decision to return to blogging and books. I’ve never been popular and never will be. People who meet me once seldom wish to meet me twice. That makes for a lot of free time. So, once again, here I am.

You’re not doing the right things. You’re not eating the right food. You’re not reading the right books. You’re not drinking the right wine. You’re not loving the right people. You’re not living in the right neighborhood. You’re not attending the right parties. You’re not wearing the right clothes. You’re not having the right friends. You’re not cooking the right recipes. You’re not travelling the right places. You’re not training the right muscles. You’re not dying your hair the right colors. You’re not watching the right shows. You’re not listening to the right music. You’re not hating the right enemies. You’re not living the right life.

I’m pretty pissed off at life because it’s utterly pointless. It’s all about doing the same thing all the time in order to get money to have fun sometimes. I hate doing the same thing even if it’s the very thing I love to do. It all blurs into a single continuum of files received and edited and sent back. When I think of all the time I have left in this world, and that most of that time will be devoted to converting texts into another language, I feel hopeless.

Robin Williams killed himself and it suddenly became clear to me that I’m not doing so well in terms of mental health. I don’t have a drinking problem or anything, but being mad at life for its pointlessness is not a good sign. I think I’m depressed. Not clinically depressed, but still, pretty sucky inside. Again. How stupid. I thought I could beat it by escaping Tsukuba, but home is the same thing except with bad traffic. And all I can do is keep on working because that’s my duty. I’m an adult and adults spend their time working. It’s so meaningless. Another day, another file to open. Nothing changes.

Today I decided to go to the gym to see if I can get better by getting physically tired, even though I feel tired and sleepy all the time. It worked for a little while, but this anger directed at everything and nothing at the same time is still here. And then I waste so much time on social networks, this modern substitute of anything requiring concentration. What a drug. I’m going to stage my own intervention and force myself to read actual books and study actual educational things instead of ‘finding out’ the latest news and people’s opinions on them. I mean, who cares? Why should I care?

At least I’m eating well and showering every day. But it still feels like a pointless routine. Robin Williams’ death scared me very much, though. I want to be fine and enjoy life as it is. I don’t want work to feel like an unbearable monotonous indicator of life’s worthlessness. I don’t want to be angry at everything and nothing at the same time. If this situation does not improve, I’m seeking help.

日本語でのツイートを読みながら、言葉を突然思い出した。「努力」という言葉だ。頭の中には、日本語は砂漠みたいだ。彼方此方サボテンとかが生えるけど、景色は根本的に不毛だ。

数年前日本語を学び始めたのに、上達をほとんどしていない。なぜかというと、努力しなかったからだと思う。「言いたいことが言えない」と思っていたが、一体なぜ言いたいことが言えるようになるために頑張らなかったのか。憂鬱のせいなのか。

確かに世界が無色になると「努力」という言葉も無意味になる。つくばの時に上達より、むしろ残存の方が大切だった。従って、ある程度まで目標達成だった。何と言ってもまだ生きているね。

では、日本から離れてメンタルヘルスを回復した後で、日本語が上手になるチャンスがまだあるかな。日本語で話す機会が全くないけど。

答えは「努力」の中だろうな。