Author: Olavia Kite

It’s so sad! My Amaguri-chan decided to break away from my bag and walk around the streets of Bogota by himself.

Every time I looked at his sweet face I felt like everything was worthwhile. You’ll think I’m stupid, but that little thing was the cutest ornament my school bag could ever have. Now it’s empty. And… I feel a little empty, but I must accept it. I didn’t drop him, he unscrewed himself off (without my knowledge) until I looked and he had disappeared…

Wherever you are, be happy, little thing. I can’t replace you… I’ll miss you tons. Especially for all the good memories you used to bring.

>Sara McLachlan is singing, and I’m in the mood to write. This is one of the times when the music imposes the mood, when I feel this kind of saudade that doesn’t let me sleep, when a conversation over MSN is not a good idea, but a kiss (an impossible kiss at this time and space) is.

I like to write here. It’s so far from the noise of C:\GEEK>, where I’m expecting to be heard. I don’t have much of an audience there; people usually write comments like “oh yeah I remember”, and the most usual ones are things that have nothing to do with what I have written. Maybe I’m a sucky writer. Maybe I should stick to writing for nobody, keeping all the words to myself. I don’t even know what I’m expecting… maybe a true reader? But, what is a true reader? One that feels identified with my poor thoughts and responds sincerely… That thing doesn’t exist. They read because I ask them to, they talk because I ask them to. They don’t listen. (Coldplay is playing, Trouble makes me feel sad…)

So yeah, that’s Geek. Lonesome stories for lonesome results. Sometimes I regret the small audience I’ve gained there. Not that I hold anything against them personally, it’s just that I’ve stopped writing my own stuff. Well, Ganbatte! was made for my own stuff. Still, even if my words are destined to a certain group of people, they don’t open mouths, they don’t move fingers. My life has nothing to offer except for a smile and an ear. I’m so much of an ear that nobody thinks I actually have something to say. I could try to speak a thousand times, a thousand times I would be interrupted. There are exceptions (you know who you are), and those exceptions prevent my life from falling into emptiness.

I’m not an absolute loner. I have a family and a fairytale warrior to save me. I’m just convinced that my place is just not here.

These are boring, but I’ll answer them.

1. Name five things in your refrigerator.

Milk, cheese, grapes, mandarin lemons, and wasabi.

2. Name five things in your freezer.

I’m guessing fish, icecubes, meat, chicken, and lots of frost.

3. Name five things under your kitchen sink.

Drawers, a trash can, the electric dishwasher, and a piece of wood.

4. Name five things around your computer.

Right now: the tv remote control, the tag that came with the M bag that contained the books I sent to Colombia, a bunch of pictures from my 18th birthday and my departure to the States (I wonder why they’re there), one of my mom’s architecture books, and one of my sister’s notebooks.

5. Name five things in your medicine cabinet.

I don’t have such thing, and I don’t know where my mom keeps the medicines.

After a while, when everything’s settled and you know exactly what to say and what not to say, you start to miss the simple pleasures of the early beginning. You used to hide your real intentions behind a world of shyness, you turned away when you really wanted to gaze eternally into that special person’s eyes, and the universe seemed to be made up entirely of fantasies. There is so much beauty in a first date, when everything seems to go wonderfully, when all your secret codes are deciphered and answered in another, maybe more intricate code… and you wonder… am I right? are we right?

There is no need for any of those silly things now. It’s over. You are, you aren’t, you don’t wait for an invitation to coffee anymore. Words are exactly what they mean. Phone calls and e-mails have become a routine. The love is strong, you can ask yourself a thousand times and the answer will always be the same: yes, yes, yes, forever and ever. However… where is that nervous “hello” you were waiting to say all day long? Where is the delightful doubt?

When you get bored of each other, can you reverse the enthropy and with pounding heartbeats build again the passion that faded into an uncertain smoke of certain love?