Month: August 2014

You’re not doing the right things. You’re not eating the right food. You’re not reading the right books. You’re not drinking the right wine. You’re not loving the right people. You’re not living in the right neighborhood. You’re not attending the right parties. You’re not wearing the right clothes. You’re not having the right friends. You’re not cooking the right recipes. You’re not travelling the right places. You’re not training the right muscles. You’re not dying your hair the right colors. You’re not watching the right shows. You’re not listening to the right music. You’re not hating the right enemies. You’re not living the right life.

I’m pretty pissed off at life because it’s utterly pointless. It’s all about doing the same thing all the time in order to get money to have fun sometimes. I hate doing the same thing even if it’s the very thing I love to do. It all blurs into a single continuum of files received and edited and sent back. When I think of all the time I have left in this world, and that most of that time will be devoted to converting texts into another language, I feel hopeless.

Robin Williams killed himself and it suddenly became clear to me that I’m not doing so well in terms of mental health. I don’t have a drinking problem or anything, but being mad at life for its pointlessness is not a good sign. I think I’m depressed. Not clinically depressed, but still, pretty sucky inside. Again. How stupid. I thought I could beat it by escaping Tsukuba, but home is the same thing except with bad traffic. And all I can do is keep on working because that’s my duty. I’m an adult and adults spend their time working. It’s so meaningless. Another day, another file to open. Nothing changes.

Today I decided to go to the gym to see if I can get better by getting physically tired, even though I feel tired and sleepy all the time. It worked for a little while, but this anger directed at everything and nothing at the same time is still here. And then I waste so much time on social networks, this modern substitute of anything requiring concentration. What a drug. I’m going to stage my own intervention and force myself to read actual books and study actual educational things instead of ‘finding out’ the latest news and people’s opinions on them. I mean, who cares? Why should I care?

At least I’m eating well and showering every day. But it still feels like a pointless routine. Robin Williams’ death scared me very much, though. I want to be fine and enjoy life as it is. I don’t want work to feel like an unbearable monotonous indicator of life’s worthlessness. I don’t want to be angry at everything and nothing at the same time. If this situation does not improve, I’m seeking help.